Ninja Kudo
by SerasianWind
Summary: For once, it's not the Kaitou Kid everyone's swearing at. Total crack AU.
**The idea for this story comes straight from my younger brother. (Thanks, Bedlam!) Enjoy the randomness.~**

 **Sadly, I own neither Detective Conan nor any ninjas.**

* * *

Tachibana Ikou, would-be murderer, walked carefully toward his intended victim. Everything was perfect. Soon he would be rid of that stupid, clingy woman for good. She would never see it coming. He moved closer. She was right in front of him now, still staring at her phone.

Tachibana grinned. This would teach her to hang around in dark alleys. He'd be a good citizen and make sure the lesson stuck. He clenched the bat tightly in both hands, raising it high over his head. One more step. WIth a triumphant smirk, he swung down with all his might-!

And blinked. Stared at his empty hands.

Where had the $%#! bat gone?

Tachibana looked up just in time to meet the missing weapon on its way down.

~oOo~

"Hey, I heard Kudo stopped another murder last night."

"Awesome!"

"Wait, who's Kudo?"

"You know, Kudo Shinichi? The high school ninja?"

" _Ninja?_ Are you serious?"

"Dead serious - guy's caught, like, ten criminals this _week_."

"And he's a ninja?"

"And he's a ninja."

"Huh."

"Awesome, right?"

~oOo~

Okano Gorou was having a bad day. Not only did he spill coffee down his shirt, miss his bus, and arrive late for school, but ever since he had lifted a candy bar from that convenience store, he had felt like someone was following him.

It was probably just his imagination.

He turned another corner, glancing uneasily over his shoulder. Nothing. Okano sighed in relief and faced forward. And jumped back, cursing.

The young man standing _right freaking there_ was dressed in black, with some sort of ninja mask over the lower half of his face. Okano lifted a trembling finger. "Y-Y-You're K-Kudo, aren't you? W-Why are you f-following me?"

 _-Thwiiip!-_

Kudo's hand moved so fast it was little more than a blur, flinging a- piece of paper? Okano stared, eyes wide, before pulling the post-it note from his forehead. Written in neat black letters was the accusation: 'Thief!'

"All right, all right! I'll bring it back right now!"

~oOo~

"Megure-keibu!"

The inspector looked up from his paperwork. "What is it, Takagi-kun?"

"Ano . . . there's a man duct-taped to the front desk."

Megure sighed. "Was there a case file beside him?"

"Yes." Takagi scratched his head. "Er, Megure-keibu, what exactly. . . ."

"Sit down, Takagi-kun. You're new here, so you wouldn't know about Kudo-kun yet."

"Kudo . . . kun. . . ?"

~oOo~

"Oh, hello Sonoko."

"Hey Ran!" The brown-haired girl looked around with a smile that was closer to a leer. "So, where's your husband?"

Ran crossed her arms and huffed. "So-no-kooo! We're not married! Besides, Shinichi's right behind you."

" _Whaaaaat?!"_

~oOo~

The Beika Art Museum was surrounded by police cars and flashing lights. The first floor was filled with officers, the second floor was filled with traps, and the third floor bathroom was full of half-dressed kaitou.

Kid hummed as he tugged his jacket into place, smoothing down the red tie.

Cape: check. Monocle: check. Hat. . . .

Kid blinked. It had been on the counter a second ago. A blur of movement caught his eye, and he turned to see a figure in black holding out the missing article.

"You know, Shinobi-san, keep this up and I'm going to think you're stalking me."

~oOo~

Nakanishi Kenta, (un)professional thief, walked as lightly as he was able down the dark hallway. He had never been in such a large house - no, mansion was the only word - before. Truth be told, it was making him nervous. Nakanishi shivered. The suits of armor lining the hall weren't helping either. He kept expecting one of them to move.

The thief jumped and looked frantically over his shoulder. Had that been a footstep? He clutched at his chest, breathing quickly. Maybe coming here hadn't been such a great idea. He took a few more steps and stumbled against a suit of armor.

The suit of armor punched him in the face.

"I knew it," Nakanishi muttered dazedly as everything went black.

~oOo~

"Oi! Kudo!" Hattori Heiji waved a hand in greeting, only to watch his friend disappear in a cloud of grey smoke. "What the- damnit, Kudo! I came all the way from Osaka ta see ya, ya ahou!"

~oOo~

A tall man in a night-black coat walked down the street. His long blond hair drew stares, but anyone who chanced to meet his eyes quickly looked away. The man moved toward the subway, heading for the rental lockers.

As he entered the room, the man paused, eyes narrowing in suspicion. There was a presence there - skillfully muted, but still barely detectable. The man drew a gun from his pocket and moved forward with slow, careful steps.

It didn't save him when the door to a locker that really should have been too small for a teenager slammed open directly in front of his face.

~oOo~

Kid hummed to himself as he pushed another lockpick delicately forward. The floor-to-ceiling vault wasn't the most challenging thing he'd ever broken into, but it was close. It had taken almost twelve minutes to get this far, and that was just the lock. With a slight click, the last tumbler shifted into place. Kid grinned, opening the vault to see . . .

. . . a man in dark clothing holding up a sign proclaiming "Good job!"

Kid stared. "Damnit, Kudo! Do you know how hard it was to get in here?"

The ninja remained silent, looking a bit sheepish.

Kid sweat-dropped. "Shinobi-san . . . did you lock yourself in?"

"!"

~oOo~

Ran sighed, glancing at her boyfr- friend. Just friend. "Really, Shinichi, do you have to wear that to school?"

The reply, of course, came via post-it note. 'A ninja's identity is his greatest secret, Ran.'

Ran huffed in annoyance. "But we all _know_ who you are!"

'It's the principle of the matter. You don't want me to get kicked out of the clan, do you?'

"Shin- _ichi!"_

~oOo~

"Sato-san?"

"What is it, Takagi-kun?"

"Er . . . I think Kudo-kun broke into the evidence locker."

Sato blinked. "What?"

"Well, Hattori-kun's up on the roof with a rope, and at first I thought it was Kaitou Kid, but it's _Kudo-kun_ on the glider." Takagi shrugged helplessly. "Where else would he have gotten it?"

Sato groaned. "Those idiots! They were bugging me for cases, so I told them to go fly a kite!"

Takagi gaped at her. "K-kite?"

The officer rolled her eyes. "I didn't think they'd take it _literally_."

~oOo~

Tadami Chiho, shopgirl and pyromaniac, stopped in front of the abandoned building. She shivered with nerves and excitement. This. This was it. This would be bigger than anything she had ever done. The flames would reach all the way to the heavens, twisting and dancing through the sky.

She opened her bag with shaking hands, pulling out a large bottle. The cap was stuck; she pried it off with her teeth, grimacing at the taste of gasoline. There. Now she could work.

Several minutes later, she lit the first match and held it up to the sky; her offering to the gods. Then she dropped it onto the gas-soaked steps.

Where it promptly went out.

Tadami frowned and struck another match, then another and another. Nothing caught. Eventually, she ran out of matches.

"Whyyyyy?" Tadami cried, scattering the spent matches. She whirled around, falling back against the steps as someone behind her coughed.

"Well, Miss," the firefighter said. A large red truck was parked a little ways down the street. "I'd assume it's because you've been trying to light water."

Tadami stared at him with wide eyes. How had he snuck up on her with a _fire truck?_

~oOo~

Ran yelped as a dark blur raced past her into her room. "Wha- Shinichi?" She peeked through the door - no one in sight. Then there was a slight shuffling sound, and she frowned. "Shinichi," she said in a dangerous voice, lifting the edge of her sheet, "just what do you think you're doing under my bed?"

More shuffling, then a timid voice. ". . . Hiding?"

Ran tapped her foot. "Why?"

"Er . . . my parents are back in Japan?"

"So?"

"You know how my mom is! Ran, I beg of you, have mercy - I need sanctuary!"

Ran sighed. She just _knew_ he was making puppy-dog eyes down there. "Fine," she said. "But you know, Shinichi," she leaned down so she could see him, "this _is_ the first place she'll look."

As if on cue, a voice came from the hall.

"SHIN-CHAAAAN~!"

The ninja blanched.

~oOo~

"Megure-keibu!"

"Yes, Takagi-kun?"

"There's someone taped to the front desk again."

Megure sighed. "And?"

"Ano . . . the duct tape is _pink_."

The inspector blinked, momentarily perplexed.

"Kid. . . ?"

~oOo~

Detective Mouri Kogoro leaned back in his chair, put his feet on the desk, and reached for an unopened can of beer. It had been a long, tiring day of (watching Okino Yoko) working. He cracked open the can and took a long swig . . . of soy sauce.

Mouri choked and spat out the offending substance, accidentally covering half the desk. Ran was going to kill him.

"D-damnit - that ninja brat! Pffeh!"

~oOo~

"All right, all right, I'm coming! Jeez!" Kuroba Kaito yanked open the door. "Who visits at six in the morning any- _Shinobi-san?_ "

The ninja waved, oozing smug satisfaction.

"Damnit, Kudo! How did you even find me?"

A series of surprisingly informative gestures commenced.

Poker face failed to hide the thief's twitching eyebrow. "Stalker."

~oOo~

A tattoo-covered teen lurked in front of a grungy door, blocking his equally-tattooed friend from sight. "Oi, hurry it up," he said in a strained whisper. "Police are gonna find us if you're not quick!"

"Shut up," his friend replied. "Your whining don't make this any faster."

For a minute or so, the only sound was harsh breathing and the scraping of a lock pick.

The first teen shifted uncomfortably. "You done yet?"

His friend scowled. "I told you to shut-"

The door slammed forward, bursting out of its frame. Both teens were flattened underneath.

A dark-clad figure lowered his foot and stepped through the doorway. He looked around, shrugged, and disappeared into the shadows.

~oOo~

"One of these days, Shinobi-san, I'm going to push you off a building. And I won't come get you, either."

'Same to you, Kid.'

~oOo~

"That oughta . . . keep 'im down," Heiji panted, eyeing the prone figure at his feet. The blocky man in the dark coat had put up quite a fight, even after Kudo stole his gun. "What now?"

The ninja pulled his mask down and sighed, apparently too tired for his usual theatrics. "There's no way we're getting him down those stairs - he's too heavy. Your phone still working?"

Heiji shook his head. "After usin' it as a projectile? Not likely."

"Damn." Kudo frowned. "We'll have to find a phone booth, but I don't want to leave him here. He's not Gin, but he's still dangerous."

A slow grin spread across Heiji's face. "Oi, Kudo."

"Yeah?"

"We're only two stories up, right?"

Kudo gave him a strange look. "Yeah, why?"

Heiji glanced toward the wall and smirked. "I'm thinkin' there's another way ta get him downstairs. . . ."

Kudo grinned and opened the window.

~oOo~

Tamura Reika, amateur poisoner, smiled cruelly as she carried a cup of perfectly-mixed latte toward her cheating jerk of an ex-boyfriend. She had been furious when she found him out, but she had been willing to let it go. After all, she deserved better. But then he had gotten his filthy, cheating hooks into her baby sister. Tamura narrowed her eyes. Oh no. she couldn't allow that.

She was close now - only a few more steps. She could already picture his funeral.

As she passed the last table, a hand reached out and lifted the cup from her tray. Tamura whirled, the blood draining from her face. "Don't-!"

A young man in black paused, the cup halfway to his lips. Slowly, he raised an eyebrow.

"I mean- that's-" Tamura twisted the hem of her apron, trying desperately to come up with a good lie. Her mind was distressingly blank.

The young man shook his head. "Look, today is my first day off in weeks. So just don't, okay?"

She stared mutely as he dumped the liquid into the nearest trash can. So much for her perfect plan. Tamura slumped.

Now she would have to make another latte.

~oOo~

Kaito trudged down the street, glancing disinterestedly at the people around him. Jeez, shopping was boring. Why did Aoko even invite him if she was just going to squeal over clothes and talk to that jerk Hakuba? The thief shivered. At least Koizumi wasn't there.

As his eyes continued to wander, a nearby statue caught his attention. He stopped, frowning. There was something familiar about that statue. In fact, it almost looked like. . . .

The type of grin usually associated with anarchy and white silk spread across his face. Slipping away from Aoko and Hakuba, the thief reached into a hidden pocket. He didn't know what a statue of Shinobi-san was doing in the middle of Ekoda, but he wasn't going to miss the chance to add a few _creative touches_.

Some pink spray paint and a top hat later, Kaito stepped back to admire his work. Perfect. He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked away, whistling an upbeat melody.

He didn't look back, which is why he didn't see the statue flip him off.

~oOo~

"Megure-keibu!"

"What is it this time, Takagi-kun?"

The officer saluted. "More duct tape, sir."

Megure sighed.

~oOo~

Ran dropped her bag on the floor and slammed the door behind her. What an awful day. As if the surprise math quiz hadn't been enough, she had come home to find the office a mess and her father passed out in a pile of empty beer cans. Sonoko had caught a last-minute cold, so they couldn't even go shopping like they had planned. Ran sighed and flopped onto her bed.

Sometimes, she wished her life was less exciting. Sometimes, she just wanted a break from worrying - about school, about her father, about her reckless, vigilante friend. Briefly, she wondered if things would be simpler if Shinichi had become a detective like he originally planned. Knowing Shinichi, probably not.

She rolled onto her back and closed her eyes. And opened them again. Why was there a brightly-wrapped box taped to her ceiling?

Getting it down took some effort, but finally she was able to examine the package. It was small; only the length of her palm. He name was written on the top in neat kanji. She shrugged and carefully folded back the paper.

Inside was a beautiful orchid pendant on a silver chain. Ran smiled. So maybe it wasn't _all_ bad having a ninja for a friend.

Even if he did look like a dork in that mask.

~oOo~

The Kaitou Kid stood on a tall building. Far below, a black-clad figure swung by its ankle. "Told you I'd push you off a roof!" the thief called.

A length of rope came spiraling up at him, catching his wrist. Kid sighed and grabbed his hat as the figure below tugged sharply.

"Damnit, Kudo."

* * *

 **You would not believe how long it took me to finish this.**

 **Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed!**


End file.
